Dissing the Deep: Freaky Fish

Posted by Rainbow Fisher Guy on March 31, 2008 in Fishing stories

It’s a bit unfair to insult these creatures, especially since, for all we know, we caught the ugliest ones of the species. As fish get more freaky, they tend to get more rare, so it’s hard to tell. Imagine if aliens landed for a quick science and data gathering expedition, and came across Carrot Top, took some photos, went back to their home planet, and said “Hey little aliens, this is what ‘humans’ look like”. And they’d be all like “gross!” That caveat now out in the open, it’s time to tear these freaks a new one.

Blob Freaks
They’re lucky they can float around underwater. On land, these fat boys wouldn’t be able to get off the couch.

Angler

Official mascot for the NBA

California Sheephead

Worst sweaters ever.

Blobfish

Fang Faces
I vant, to bite, your eyes. A pile of spikes with a creature attached.

Fangtooth

Scaly Dragonfish

Fugly
Gah. The kind of fish we’d wipe out if we didn’t always throw them back after we caught them and saw their ugly faces.

Coffinfish

“Did you just fart?” “Sorry, I had souvlaki for lunch.”

Bat Fish

“Honey I swear I’m not cheating on you! The lipstick is from the fish. It was the fish I tells ya!”

Scorpion Fish

When hiding from its prey, the Vomit fish takes on the shape of last night’s dinner. Looks like it exploded.

Leopard Toadfish

Preparing to shoot cosmic deathbeams from its eyes.

Moray Eel

Have you theen my thtapler?

Wolf Eel

Fanfin Seadevil

Ohhhh, the old sillystring gag, graaaaaar!

Unidentified Anglerfish

An ACTUAL SEA DEMON.

LOOK AT ME
I guess if you want to see anything in the deep, you’ve got to turn yourself into a walking (swimming?) light show. For bottom-dwellers, they sure seem to need attention.

Parrotfish

There’s a reason why blue and orange are no one’s team colors.

Scrawled Filefish

My dad was a sea horse, and my mom was a glow stick.

Pingpong Tree Sponge

Sea Candy

Unidentified

Probably only legal in Amsterdam.

Unidentified

The undersea equivalent of a 14-year-old girl.

Damn You Old
No wonder they’re always chasing after the cute young fishcakes. GET WITH THE TIMES, OLD FISH.

Frillshark

Described, accurately, as a living fossil. You so old, you in Jesus’ yearbook!

Rockfish

100 year old Alaskan fish. Wonders what this iPond craze is all about…

You Creep Me Out
Nature’s little discussed defense mechanism: freaking the hell out of your predators with your face.

Vampire Squid

Loved you in ET.

Human-Faced Carp

Human face on a fish. ‘Nuff said.

Spookfish

Looks like a cross between a cute little Ewok and a SPIRIT OF THE DAMNED.

Straight Up Aliens
Aliens land, dive underwater, see these things, and say “what’s up man, how you been?” No way these things are from this planet.

Chimaera

Micheal Jackson in 12 years.

Giant Isopod

My crotch itches just looking at this guy.

Gulper Eel

Bet he gets invited to ALL the fetish parties.

Almost Normal…. But No.
These fish aren’t as insane looking as the previous ones, and in fact look mostly like regular fish, with some appendage gone a bit haywire.

Ocean Sunfish

Tastes great with blueberries, butter and maple syrup.

Smooth Trunk Fish

Jackknife Fish

It’s happy to see you.